"I don't know what to do with the parent/partner/friend/spouse I am caring for all day long. They are still cognizant enough to know what is going on, but I really can't just give them a job to do, one that has any importance, unsupervised. So by time I come up with something - I am exhausted and say forget it."

How well I know how that feels. And when friends would say, "Tell me what I can do to help" ... coming up with something other than "Come on over and bring a bottle of wine..." was tough.

But there are things that we can do to help care givers who have a parent or partner at home that they are caring for and run out of ideas for things to keep them busy. While my mom was alive and lived with me, I knew she always loved the garden. In her heyday, she would be out in the garden at 6AM - singing with the birds ...

When she was no longer able to do any gardening on her own, we started a new tradition. Mom was the official "garden waterer." I would take her outside, with her walker - the kind that had the little seat when you turn it around - and get her set, seated on the walker, lock the wheels and gave her the hose.  She was outside, got some fresh air, I could hear her singing ... and every 15 minutes or so, I would move her to a different spot in the garden, and set her up all over again. And the dog would become part of the act. It became her job ... and she took it seriously. When I would get ready to go outside to work, mom reminded me that she had to water... when she could not remember many other things,she remembered that - because it was something she loved doing and COULD do. She was so well known for her "watering skills" that neighbors knew something was wrong the first spring day came and Mom was not outside with her hose ...

So, if you can find a task that the person you are caring for can do regularly, inside or outside, with some supervision, it can give them a feeling of usefulness. Polish the silver, fold the lines napkins, sort socks - these are not things that are essential tasks, but can provide the opportunity for you to work together, OR... this is the time to tell the friends who ask "What can I do?" ... THIS IS WHAT YOU CAN DO. I need someone to "caregiver-sit" for an hour today or a half and hour every Thursday (so I can get a manicure - because as a CAREGIVER - YOU DESERVE IT) or spend that half an hour with someone else in your household that looks to you for love, or who's love you need to recharge your battery. And they can help sort the socks, fold the linens.

And remember, every small step is a victory, and in this world of care-giving, it is the small victories that we celebrate.  

As we come into the holiday season, many of us reflect back on the “old days” – and sometimes they seem more poignant now than when they were happening! One question that has always haunted me is what is the difference between being an elder and being elderly?  Is it like the difference between a “tween” and a teen? 

Seems more serious than that – but should it? I can only use my own life as an example. My mother was always a “pistol” ; always full of life and full of love.  When she moved in with me she was already 80! But I would not have called her elderly. My mother smiled a big smile. She nodded as if she understood you, when she could not hear a word someone said even with her hearing aid in (except when I was with her and had to repeat everything directly into her ear). She would throw kisses at every baby that passed, waved at people who smiled at her.  She was, in a word, happy.  She enjoyed life. It was all a big adventure to her.  While she was an elder, over the years, she grew elderly. In the 13 years she lived with me, the change was clear. But I tried as best as I could to TREAT her as an elder, while I CARED for her, in many cases, as the elderly woman she was becoming. For the last years she and I had traded the role of the one who gave and the one who received. My mom still is the elder of the family in everyone’s mind.  Only in her physical frailty is she elderly.  So try to see the difference.  Treat the person with the respect due a wise elder.  Treat the body gently as one that has aged and become elderly.

Someone recently asked me what I do. I thought for a moment and answered “I am an elder-care coach”. Puzzled, they asked, “What is THAT”? “Someone”, I answered, “who works with the elderly, their family and their caregivers to help provide a network of support so the elderly can each live with dignity and happiness in the home of their choice for as long as they are medically able”. And the person looked at me and at first said, “Why?”…I did not bother to answer that question, since the more important question should have been “HOW?” The how is one person, one patient, one caregiver, and one heath care professional at a time.

Suzanne Mintz, co-founder and president of the National Family Caregivers Association (NFCA) says 80 percent of long-term care in this country is done by family and friends. She puts it pretty bluntly: “We are the care system.”

• Are you confused about how to help your aging parents?
  
• Are you struggling with siblings over care of your parents?
  
• Are you torn between caring for aging parents, your family & yourself?
  

You are feeling overwhelmed and guilty. You may even be losing sleep over your situation…
You are not alone. There are wonderful people that can help you decide what is best for you and your loved ones. There are people and places dedicated to providing safe, home-like environment supported by caring, compassionate staff who embrace your loved ones individual’s needs and worth. Every person has a right to autonomy, freedom of choice, dignity and respect, and being in an environment where their right to privacy is acknowledged and fostered.

How will this happen? As I started to say, one person, one patient, and one caregiver, one heath care professional at a time. And by revolutionizing and radically improving the long-term care landscape by developing communities where all residents have equal access to care that maximizes independence and function, allowing each resident to age in place with dignity and grace.

This plan of care is called “Relationship Based Care” and is something worth fighting for. This embraces the employee, resident, and family member by focusing the need and desire of all to be involved in the process of aging and the care of the individual. Isn't this be a system you would want to look forward to participating in? I sure do.

Remember, one person, one patient, and one caregiver, one heath care professional at a time. And believe me, one by one, we are the tip of a huge movement in our country to change what aging is and how it is perceived. Do not be afraid to be a part of this movement. For your loved ones, for your partner, for yourself. We ARE the future. And the future is NOW.


There are many organizations to offer guidance.  After you have read this, take your computer, search best practices in home health care or caring for my aging loved one and look at the list. Start to read.  Education is our best tool and brings the best care available to your fingertips. Always ask for references.  Don't be afraid to ask for names of people organizations or individuals say they have aided.  If you have specific questions, or just need a place to start, just ask me.  I will pass on the wisdom I have gained in helping caregivers and being a caregiver myself.